Fresh Hell
The best dispatches from our grim new reality
Jason Arias o
r
d
F
a
c
t
o
r
y
Boom Crash?
As this low, dishonest decade slouches toward its inevitably bleak conclusion, we regret to report that the American people remain committed to catastrophic gender reveal celebrations: late last week, a low-flying crop duster-style plane stalled and crashed after dumping more than three hundred gallons of pink water to celebrate the impending birth of a prematurely gendered baby. The pilot was uninjured while one passenger sustained minor injuries, according to authorities who rescued the individuals from the smoking wreckage in a field outside of Turkey, Texas.?
Hey Mr. DJ
Millionaire CEO of Goldman Sachs, David Solomon—or D-Sol, as his friends call him—is, as it turns out, a very shitty DJ. Entertaining revelers at a halloween party at Miami’s storied Fontainebleau hotel, Mr. Solomon—who spends his days revolutionizing the violent methods by which his firm funnels wealth into the hands of the very few—played hits from the likes of Guns N’Roses and Bingo Players, including their smash hit “Everybody,” which features the fitting refrain: “Everybody wants to know how little I care, how little I care.”
Party On, Asshole!
Across the pond, one Londoner is being evicted from his flat so that his landlord will have the requisite space for his fiftieth birthday party, in which every square inch of the building is turned over to festive debauchery. Writing to his soon-to-be former tenant, the landlord-cum-party monster notes that this “huge milestone” in his life “leaves me with very little option but to provide you with the necessary two month notice to vacate the premises.”?
For Behold, I Will Bring a Flood of Waters Upon Venice
As the planet itself gears up to evict our sorry species, we can rest easy knowing it will do so with a sense of humor: not two minutes after the Regional Council of Veneto in Venice voted to reject measures to fight the collapse of the livable biosphere, their chambers flooded. This comes as the city fights the worst flooding it’s seen in fifty years, with high tide on Tuesday evening flooding some areas of the city in up to six feet of water.?
Lunch is for Losers?
One Minnesota school district is repenting after a video surfaced of cafeteria workers throwing the hot lunches of indebted students in the garbage after their lunch debt crested the hefty sum of fifteen dollars. Thankfully, viral news stories dragging underfunded school districts and underpaid cafeteria workers, so delightfully common these days, will soon be resigned to the dustbin of history when Congress acts on Senator Bernie Sanders and Representative Ilhan Omar’s proposed legislation to provide free breakfast, lunch, and dinner to every student in the country—which, surely, certainly, without a shadow of a doubt, Congress will happily do!
Break Me Off a Piece of That
Just in time for the unchecked, biosphere-ravaging potlatch of conspicuous consumption that marks the holiday season, KitKat has unveiled a real beaut of excess: a raspberry and pomegranate flavored number covered in twenty-three-carat gold leaf—for the low, low price of $32!?
Fuck the Police
As the New York City Police Department continues escalating its definitely just war to “fight fare evasion” and improve “quality of life” on the city’s crumbling subway system—largely by ambushing people of color and attacking churro vendors—the math reveals that the logic undergirding the push to pollute the subway with more police is, in fact, total and utter bullshit: the plan to hire five hundred police officers will cost $249 million over the next four years, nearly $50 million more than fare evasion will cost the city over that same time period.???